Previously on Nurse Jackie:
Whose baby is this?
Think the girls are asleep?
Well, we can be quiet.
Go on, open it up.
Happy anniversary, babe. It's been a year.
Eddie, I'm sorry. I'm just not good at this stuff.
I had a fight with a man friend.
Guy friend.
- Boyfriend? - Mom and Dad are here.
- What? - You're in trouble.
I believe your daughter Grace is experiencing...
...signs of generalized anxiety disorder.
When I get nervous, I act out with inappropriate sexual touches. It's like...
- It's like Tourette's. - Xanax. My life's a shambles.
That's a secret, by the way.
This is better than the bus.
Okay, you have sprinkles in your hair.
Yes, I do. All right, messy girl.
It's time for you to walk.
You're a mess. Hold on a second, sweetie.
Let me get your face.
I can't be late. We do saints first thing every morning.
- Oh, yeah? - Yesterday was St. Lucy.
She plucked out her eyes, but she could still see.
Then she died, but God gave her prettier eyes in heaven.
That's a good story, sweetie.
Shit. Shoot.
- Fiona, I'm sorry. You can't eat that. - I wasn't done.
I am sorry, sweetie. There was a bug on it, okay?
There was a dead bug. I'm sorry.
Mommy owes us a dollar for her bad word.
God. All right.
I'm sorry. Let's go.
Jesus Christ.
- Mommy. - Mommy.
You got your lunch?
- Yeah. - You have your phone?
Only for emergencies, not for texting.
Okay, baby, love you.
- Bye. - Bye.
Have a good day.
Please stand clear of the closing doors.
Been on his bathroom floor for three days.
The temp's 103. Weak and dehydrated upon arrival.
BP is low. Starting him on fluids.
That's why you get the free flu shot. Put him in 2.
Nope, there's no more room at the inn, Mary.
- Already? - We're completely out of 2-by-2's.
You don't smoke in here.
Notification Trauma Room ETA...
We're four nurses short.
- Well, you are. I'm fine. - This is the second time this week.
- What the hell? - Budget cuts. Well's dry.
They had a Zen garden in their boardroom, and I am four short?
- It's a plant. - Whatever. They suck.
I got you one temp. It's the best I could do.
Discharge these.
Why do you have three wallets?
Honey, let... This... Let me. I know where it is. Let me look.
Jesus, Alexandra, this is really expired.
We need your insurance card, ma'am.
We know. I'm looking.
This is Sam. He's from St. Vincent's.
He's yours till 6 tonight.
If you need anything, ask her, not me.
Good luck.
All right, you just press F8.
No, no, no.
F8. It's one key.
Okay, you know what? Here. You discharge these. I will do that.
Okay, you having any dizziness, Mrs. Greenfield? Are you blurry?
No. No, I can see you very clearly.
You see, this town car ran into me on the FDR...
...and it pushed me off the road.
I just wanna go home and lie down.
Okay, you don't go home and lie down after a head injury.
That's how people end up dead on their couch.
Okay, so I watched this amazing program about miotic pupils...
Well, it was about the whole eyeball. But still, did you know...?
Okay, we are four short...
...which means stick with every patient I throw at you...
...and follow up with them as if you are me.
So I'm on my own?
Yes, and stop smiling.
Last time, you gave Dave the addict six Percocet...
...for a nonexistent broken finger.
He cried every time I made him bend it.
Drug seekers come in here all the time.
You like pupils so much, make sure you're checking them.
I will, believe me. Because the pupil tells you everything you need to...
I tell you everything. We are way too busy today...
...for you to be a pushover.
Okay, who in here is in so much pain they can't raise their arm?
Put them at the bottom of the list.
The rest of you, we have about a three-hour wait.
Drug seekers. Waste of time.
People.
See this?
This is what we're talking about.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, the blood pressure is 140 over 90.
Is it always that high?
You have a very nice jaw line. My word.
Thank you.
So we're gonna wanna make sure there's no fluid in your abdomen.
Lord, I'm wearing Spanx.
We don't really need to poke around, do we?
We're in a no-poke zone.
- You're going in for a CAT Scan. - That seems excessive.
Are you on any other medication, Mrs. Greenfield, besides Boniva?
Yeah, a blood thinner, Coumadin, Diovan for blood pressure.
Last week she had a reaction to some ginkgo shit my sister bought her.
That is not true.
Keep making that face...
...and that wrinkle is gonna become permanent.
- You can't use your phone in here. - Sorry.
Doctor, it's fine. It's just this cut.
Well, let's get you some lidocaine and stitch it up.
Excuse me.
One hour, 10 patients.
Okay, let's take a look.
Let's jump.
Oh, it hurts when I sit up.
Okay, let's lay you back down. Lay you back down.
- There. - Does that hurt?
Yes, yes, there.
Yes, please, stop.
Why didn't you tell Dr. Cooper?
He's busy. I didn't wanna disturb him.
I'm getting a scan. It'll be fine.
Mom, you should have told him. He's a doctor.
Are you biting your nails again?
- Any problems? - No.
Thank you, Sister.
Okay.
We're not sleeping here again tonight, you little shit.
I'm not kidding.
I have something that belongs to you.
Oh, Melissa.
You didn't need to leave work.
I got Amy's message, and I couldn't get a cab.
Oh, my God, your head.
Look at you. Is that a new dress?
Excuse me. My mother has a gash on her head.
Are you a model?
Mo-Mo.
Tell these ladies where to get coffee so I can finish with their mother.
Okay. I'll just wait outside.
- Whatever mom wants. - I want you to stay right next to me.
Oh, Melissa, when he comes back, I want you to meet Dr. Cooper.
Amy, did you notice? No ring.
- Mom. - Mo-Mo.
- Yes, ma'am. This way, ladies. - I'll see you later.
"Bathed in wheelchair in hallway."
What is this, a haiku?
Oh, I gave the patient a bed bath.
And now he's sitting in a wheelchair in the hallway.
Okay. Why don't you write that down?
Page Dr. Cooper for me now, please.
Attendings, pick up on 6854.
Here, okay? Great, thank you.
Now go wait over there in the waiting room.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Turn that fucking thing off. Follow me.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Ma'am, is there anyone I can talk to?
It's been beeping for half an hour.
Oh, that's about enough of that, then, isn't it?
Has this young man checked on you recently?
No, he hasn't.
And I can't swallow all these pills without a big glass of water.
I asked him for a big glass of water.
That was CAT Scan. They paged Coop six times, no response.
It's Mrs. Greenfield. If you see him, we're supposed to send him up.
If you don't get everything you need in five minutes...
...this man over here is gonna pay you $50, okay?
Here, I need you to time him.
I know I'm pretty.
But you just wasted 30 seconds staring at me.
On a scale of one to 10.
I don't know.
Ten being the most painful. One being tolerable. Don't exaggerate.
Tell the truth.
What are you really doing here? What are you looking for?
He has a fractured fibula.
Get him to Ortho and give him some Vicodin.
Have you taken any medication today? Painkillers?
If I had any painkillers, would I be in here fucking crying?
Shit.
I have, like, two more questions.
Okay, have a good one.
It's never real to me, you know.
No, you cannot leave.
No.
Bruce from Radiation gave me two tickets to Wicked, row G.
I've never seen it that close up.
I need you here.
You're cute when you're ruining my life.
You want to jump in here maybe? Check a few bags, turn a few beds?
I don't jump in.
Can you give me half an hour so I can eat something, please?
- Are you seven? Don't grab. - Why is everyone looking for me?
CT paged you for Mrs. Greenfield. I paged you three times.
She had negative labs and ultrasound.
I stitched her and got her a scan. Get off my back.
I'm not asking where you were or why you can't follow an instruction...
...like keeping your pager on during the workday.
It's a technique I'm trying for the inappropriate sexual touch.
I have an idea. Take your hand, put it like this.
And then you put it like this and you answer your fucking pager.
I...
Oh, Christ.
Honey?
Mommy, I... I...
I can't breathe.
No, sweetie, just relax. Hold on.
If you are talking, you can breathe.
So I'm an asshole and you're always right?
- Can you come get me? - It's okay, Grace.
It's an emergency.
Your tough-love act might work with patients. It won't work on me.
- Don't push me around, Jackie. - Fine.
- It's an emergency. - No, no, no, sweetie...
You're on the phone. Oh, no.
When all these patients need you to save them...
...from my horrible judgment.
- Shut the fuck up. It's my kid. - I...
- You have a kid? - No, I'm right here.
I will stay on the phone with you, honey.
I can't.
Sweetie, honey, please stop crying, please.
You're okay.
Do not walk away from me.
You were scaring me a little.
So yes, I have a kid.
That is my private life, and I wanna keep it that way.
All right, Jackie, fine. I won't say anything.
Yeah, right, I'm sorry.
I realize you're the kind who's above gossiping.
I knew that the second I met you.
- I swear I won't. - Yeah, you swear.
- Hand to God to tit. - You know what?
Fuck off, Jackie. Fuck off.
I'm not gonna say anything about your secret kid.
My moms didn't put me through school...
...so I could stand around...
...and talk shit about nurses. I don't give a fuck about your life.
I'm a doctor, okay? I'm a fucking doctor.
- Hey. - Hey, Kevin, hi.
- Grace had a panic attack at school. - What? Shit.
You gotta go there and pick her up. I know...
- Okay, babe, all right. I'm gonna go. - I mean it. You gotta go right now.
You're supposed to wait for transport to move him.
I can do it myself.
Well, smell you, Nancy Drew.
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
What?
I just rolled a huge man over your foot.
Didn't that kill?
No.
Flashlight tag. You're it.
Thanks for meeting me.
And on my day off, no less. I am marvelous.
- I've ordered for us. - Great, thank you.
I could have met at work, you know?
Please, I had to get out of that place. I was going batshit.
We are four nurses short. And then Grace freaked out at school.
Oh, my word.
That calls for a cigarette.
Don't... Please don't tempt me.
They let you smoke in here?
They're too afraid of me to tell me not to.
Damn. Gracie called me. She's sobbing.
She's crying. She couldn't catch her breath, thought she was dying.
I can't stand it when she cries like that.
I called Kevin.
This whole thing is scaring the shit out of me.
And pissing you off, apparently.
Yeah, you seem a bit angry at her as well.
Angry? No, I'm not angry.
Fuck me.
What kind of mother gets angry at her kid for crying?
Then Coop finds out that I have a kid.
Yeah.
So she has a kid.
Yeah, that's... I mean...
I know.
I'm not big on gossip, but I mean, come on. Chopsticks?
No, thanks.
So she just told you this, huh?
No, I was being a dick. Then she started yelling at me.
So I started yelling at her about being on the phone, and then she tells me.
Crazy.
This is wrong.
They gave me the wide noodles.
No, that... That's right.
You got chow fun. That's chow fun.
Fuck. It is?
- Yeah. - Fuck.
Well, my day's ruined.
I don't know.
I guess...
I don't know. I'm...
I think I make her worse. I really do.
Whatever. There's tapping and puffing and muttering and...
I think it's terrifying. Slow down, eat your gnocchi.
Hell, I'm not a bad mother. I think I'm a good mother.
You know, I try.
I don't know what it is she's so afraid of, what she's so anxious about.
All right, do you want me to be a doctor or a friend?
- Please, will you be my friend? - All right.
It's not Grace I'm worried about.
Excuse me, there's no smoking.
Oh, forgive me, Dr. O'Hara. Smoke away.
Seriously, you don't know anything about her.
Maybe we shouldn't even be talking about her.
She's a very private person.
Oh, clearly.
You wanna be one of those doctors that spreads rumors about nurses?
That's a rough road to go down, man.
Just keep it to yourself. Don't be an asshole.
I'm not an asshole.
You're the only one I'm telling. We're friends, man.
Why do you have to put your feet up on everything?
- Somebody is in here. - Sorry.
Sorry.
Haven't had time to go. I'm dying.
And don't worry, I didn't see your wagutti or anything.
Zoey, you can't talk to me while you're peeing.
You eaten anything today?
Yes. I had two Luna bars.
So...
...I think that temp is on something.
Like, a lot of Valium or Halcion.
Zoey, you never narc on another nurse unless you are absolutely sure.
His pupils are contracted, glassy...
...and nonresponsive to the light I shined directly in his eye...
...after I rolled over his foot with a large man on a gurney.
He didn't feel it.
Okay. Nice catch.
All right, I'll handle it.
Because I have nothing else to do today.
Here, this will make you feel better.
Follow me.
That nurse is fucked up, and you brought him coffee?
Like you've never seen that before.
Remember what's-her-name from Lenox Hill?
Oh, the worst.
- Yeah, whatever. - Why are you so pissed?
It's one day. You know, addiction is a disease...
No, you know what? Cancer is a disease.
You want me to beat him up?
I just can't believe you brought him coffee and not me.
- You're jealous. - You bet your ass I am, you big homo.
Hey. Party in Mrs. Greenfield's room.
Dr. Cooper, this is my other one, Melissa.
Cum laude from Villanova.
Oh, my God, Mom, stop.
And she does PR. She's got a beautiful singing voice.
Hi. I'm... I'm sorry.
You live in the city? Yeah. Yeah, I live in Murray Hill.
It's a little cookie-cutter, but I like it.
- Do you also...? - I'm sorry.
Do you have some actual information for my mom...
...or are we all moving in together?
Well, Mrs. Greenfield, we're gonna have to admit you.
The scan showed spots on your stomach...
...and a mass in your bowel, which should be biopsied.
It might mean exploratory surgery.
Somebody from Oncology is gonna come.
We'll talk about what's next.
- What does that mean? - Amy.
Can you take a Xanax and not get all freaked out?
Just one thing at a time, okay?
Someone from Oncology will come down.
Okay, then, good luck.
Amy, knock it off. You wanna cry, go outside.
It's just a little test.
Here you go.
Let me guess. This all gets dumped on you.
Yep.
Okay, talk to Laura in Oncology. She's absolutely the best.
But do not write Oncology or exploratory surgery...
...on any of the forms that you fill out.
It should go to the insurance company of the guy who hit your mother.
It'll save you hours of fighting your HMO.
- Thank you. - And bring some blankets from home.
They're not gonna give her any more than two. Okay?
Hey, can I get reception in here?
Down the hall. I'll show you.
You don't have to walk me there.
So this might be inappropriate...
...but you seem like a no-bullshit kind of girl.
Yeah.
Do you think your sister would go out with me?
No, right? No way?
Sure, you know, you should ask her...
...right after my mom gets out of exploratory surgery.
No, no, I'm not a dick.
Oh, great, four bars.
Do you mind?
I don't know what to do with him.
- You're done. - What?
You have two choices: walk out the door now...
...or up to Employee Health, where you'll pee in a cup.
Either way, I don't ever wanna see you in my ER again.
I don't know what your deal is. We don't do that here.
Takes one to know one.
What did you just say?
I didn't say anything.
Oh, man.
We were four short.
Had a rough day.
Boy, that's tough.
How's your kid?
Better now.
I'm sorry.
You wanna get a coffee?
Do you want to get some coffee and talk?
Not tonight, but thanks.
I should have told you. I'm sorry. I...
If you have any questions or anything you wanna know, I...
It's okay, Jack.
You explain to me when you're ready.
But until then, it's fine.
It is.
There's nothing else I should know about, right?
I mean, you're not like nurse by day, cat burglar by night?
Believe me, my life is not that interesting.
I don't know. She seems pretty good now.
Yeah, pretty good, I think.
I don't know.
Okay, and next up...
...Jackie Peyton.
- Yeah. - No, no, not tonight.
I don't know, babe. Your name's in the pitcher.
I think you gotta do it.
Somebody put it in there.
Grace? Really?
- Do you think I should? - Yeah.
- All right. - Okay.
All right.
Thank you.
Okay.